The Amazing Adventures of Josie and Seb

January 7, 2010

Absolutely nothing to fear!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Cate @ 8:14 pm

So last night, being full of pomp and bravado after having received my DIPLOMA in the mail (I have a Masters degree, you know), I decided to suck up my life-long fear of all things scary and watch Paranormal Activity, which you may recall was recently marketed as, like, the most horrifying horror movie ever made. The other women I share office space with both watched it recently and they wouldn’t stop talking about it, so I figured, hey…I’ve already heard about all the scary parts, how much more scary can they be to watch?

The answer, you may be shocked to know, is “a lot more.” I was scared out of my mind. Heart racing, sweaty palms scared. “Oh, Cate,” you might be thinking, “you’re a huge weenie, your fear means nothing to me.” Well, Joe’s a brave brawny dude and he was scared too, so…there.

After the movie was over, I comforted myself by making a list of all the reasons why demonic possession could never happen to us in the apartment.To be honest, it made me feel a lot better. I even slept with the lights off!

And so, here is Cate’s Do Not Fear Demonic Possession list:

  1. None of the doors in our apartment slam. At all. They just sort of ease shut with a little whuff. Even the closet door doesn’t slam. Demons (apparently) love to slam doors, so I imagine that would annoy it enough to leave.
  2. Expanding on #1, this place is so shoddily built I think even a low-ranked demon would find it insulting to get stuck here.
  3. Creaky floors? Big deal. Everything in this building creaks. If there even was a demon, how would we know?
  4. Joe and I are extremely heavy sleepers. It would have to be an elephant demon to make enough noise stomping around the wake us up. And even then, I’m doubtful.
  5. We don’t live in a gorgeous, enormous house in sunny southern California with a pool and a huge TV and the comfiest couch in the universe. Heck, if I was a demon I would have haunted Katie and Micah, too. I’d haunt them anyway, if they weren’t dead and all.
  6. Katie’s haunting/possession started when she was 8. I’m already 24. Definitely in the safe zone.
  7. Joe’s not a total asshole who would treat me like I’m overreacting when I tell him not to antagonize the demon that experts have told me MIGHT KILL ME and he certainly wouldn’t completely ignore me when I scream and beg him to SERIOUSLY PLEASE LEAVE THE DEMON ALONE and he definitely wouldn’t approach it like some fun awesome game where he had to poke the demon with a pointy stick to show how big of a man he was even though we both knew IT WAS A SERIOUSLY BAD IDEA and he absolutely positively would not continue to film and threaten and challenge THE SCARY DEMON WHO I’M PRETTY SURE WANTS HIM TO DIE AND I’M ALMOST SYMPATHETIC BECAUSE HE’S BEING SUCH A GRADE-A DOUCHEBAG. RIGHT?!
  8. Katie’s hair was just too shiny and gorgeous and amazing. That’s demon-taunting hair. I don’t have that problem, thank goodness.
  9. Sebastian’s too much of a lover to let a demon come in and be a downer and cramp his style. Actually now that I think about it, Seb’s so fixated on being near Joe 24/7 that he’s sort of already possessing him. There’d be no room for a demon.
  10. Josie. Let’s be real: any noisy, needy demon that came in here would have to be louder and more in-your-face than Josie to have any effect on our lives. Can you even imagine? Even if a demon tried to out-Josie Josie, she’d just up her game and take it to another, even more obnoxious level. Frankly, I don’t think the demon would have a chance. He would stomp away defeated and depressed and probably just decide to retire.

See? We’re in no danger at all.

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